Faith

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and shouts "get in, get in!"
The religous man replies, "no, I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by, and again, they request that he get into the boat.
He responds that he has faith in God and God will give him a miracle.
With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again because "God will grant him a miracle."
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder, and they tell him to climb it.
Yet, spluttering with water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help due to his faith in God.
He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith, and says to Peter, I thought God would grant me a miracle, and I have been let down."
St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about! We sent you three boats and a helicopter."
Thought For The Day
Never complain about growing old, many are denied the privilege.
A vicar was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old village stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against telling lies, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with , "Why when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

Malcolm and Frances from St.Mary's church are standing by the side of Ansty Road, just
before the island over the river Sowe. They are pounding a sign into the ground that reads:
"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
After it had disappeared around the island at high speed they heard screeching tyres and a big splash.

Frances turns to Malcolm and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Collapsed'?"

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.
To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers, " the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?"
So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
So in the traditions of the Patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?" Brothers, we must take this to God," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel."

Giving:
Malcolm was pre-occupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for the church repairs. Therefore, he was upset to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, he paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the window repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need £4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge £100 or more please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem. " And that is how the substitute became the regular organist, "well done Reg!"
The Creation:
In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.

God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell!

Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you £50 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the minister a £50 note and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the £50 note into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."